Here's my theory - perfectionism is not a personality trait that some people have and some people don’t. I believe perfectionism is essentially the opposite of contentment – and that’s a problem that every single one of us struggle with to some degree.
I never used to think I was a perfectionist, because I wasn’t the neat type. I wasn’t obsessive about details and things being in place all the time. Then I started to dig a little deeper and realize that my understanding of perfectionism was very limited, based on a caricature portrayed in the media. You know, Monica from Friends who is the uptight one or shows like 'Monk', where the guy is obsessive about things being perfect.
I then started to read Brené Brown's writing on this topic and realized that this thinking was so deeply ingrained in me and this ache of discontentment I constantly felt, was my obsession with controlling every outcome of my life and feeling like I could never measure up.
Brené talks about how perfectionism is a defence mechanism against shame and fear. We don’t like feeling like failures and we don’t want others to criticize us for not getting it right. We want to avoid shame at all costs.
So we hope that if we behave "perfectly" then we will be loved, accepted and respected. Once we recognise this defence mechanism and face the feelings we are trying to avoid, we start to change the way we measure ourselves and others.
If this is still not ringing any bells for you,
let me throw out some other definitions of perfectionism…
Idealism: You have one idea of how things should go
Controlling: The desire to be in control of circumstances or people
Obsessiveness: Obsessing over outcomes and details
Comparison: Measuring your worth against others
Rumination: Unable to let yourself or others off the hook for failures
High expectations: A high bar for success – for yourself and others
Negativity: Nothing is ever good enough
Low self-esteem: I’m never good enough
Discontentment: Nothing can make me happy
Procrastination: I can’t start unless all the stars align
Indecision: What if I make the wrong decision?
Criticism: It should’ve been done that way
People-pleasing: Going out of your way to put others desires first
And if you're STILL battling to connect the dots, perhaps these phrases sound familiar?
"I wish my life looked more like hers"
"No matter how hard I try, it’s just never good enough"
"I will only be happy if I _________"
"I have to do it the right way"
"The only way to be successful is ___________"
I'm going to repeat this, because it's that important - Perfectionism is not a personality trait.
It is learnt behaviour. which means that we unlearn it.
Here is some more good news, especially if you're feeling exposed right now:
You are not the only one who struggles with this.
There is nothing wrong with who you are.
You can change the way you think.
You don't have to live with this weight anymore.
Over the coming weeks, I will unpack more about what perfectionism looks like but let's start with the first steps, which are...
Accept that you aren't perfect (and that's okay).
Identify unhelpful behaviours and their roots.
Acknowledge that you're on a journey of redefining what it means to be a successful human. Be kind to yourself!
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